Thursday, July 30, 2009

Splashes

I wonder that it's so hard to get yourself back into writing a post after long absences. It isn't as though nothing has happened in my life. I think a good deal of it has to do with my own perfectionism. "Well if I can't write out everything I've done and learned this year in one eloquent go then why start at all?" But that's plain silly and if I wait til that happens well I'll near have forgotten the bits of this year. So here comes a plunge if for no other reason than to get back in the water again.

I'm 'in transition' again. I've been in this place so many times and, as is the case now, it usually involves crashing at The Burrow (home) and mooching off of my gracious parents until the next door presents itself. Or gets found through frantic searching. I've seen God's provision so many times that perhaps this go round is less anxious but still there's that concern that comes with uncertainty, the desire to control things, and the worry that I'm missing something or not taking a right step.

I've learned a lot about worry though.

In Bible study at MasterWorks we talked about how worry is one of the few socially acceptable sins. Once when I told a good friend that I hated how much I worry he said I didn't hate it or I wouldn't do it. He said I was addicted to it. I irked that he was probably right. Worry makes you feel like you're doing something but really it doesn't help anything and it indicates a lack of trust. At the same time in my life that my friend pointed this out my professor made a statement that also revoloutionized my thinking on this subject. It was the first time I saw that worry is indeed a sin and he said we're commanded not to do it. We don't have to worry. How lovely. How difficult.

I'm such a Martha. She gets caught up in being busy. When she complains to Jesus that her sister Mary isn't helping her with all that needs done He tells her that only one thing is needed and that Mary has chosen it and it won't be taken from her. Mary chose to be with Jesus. To sit at His feet and be present with Him. Luke 10:38-42

This morning I read in John where Jesus says "The work of God is this: to believe in the one He has sent." John 6:29

I'm really grateful for how gentle and loving Jesus is with Martha. She doesn't have it all right, she's fighting for control, but still He loves her and wants to teach her. God is teaching me too. He's teaching me about worry, about fear, about peace. I'm growing in these things. I'm not there yet but I can really see growth. And with God I don't think it's about being 'there'. For me, perfectionist, results driven me, I get in my head that it's about being 'there'. But with God I believe it's about relationship. He wants to take the time. He wants me to spend time with Him, wherever I'm at in my walk. With Him it's about process, and more than that, simply being with Him. I don't always get that, in fact most of the time I don't, but I'm really grateful for it. He is good. He loves me. He loves you too. And He fills me with hope.