'...He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."' 2 Corinthians 12:9(a)~. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.
Delicious Ambiguity.” ~GIlda Radner
I woke up this morning (tues) to see the stars. Did you? Last night I discovered that there was going to be a meteor shower so I set my alarm for 2 am to catch some of it. I was very tired though and my alarm didn't wake me up, a dream did. It was very cold and I was glad for the down comfortor that Nancy laid on my bed yesterday. I bundled up in stockings and things and wrapped the down around me. The night sky here, meteors or no, is incredible. There is little light pollution so the celestial visibility is quite clear. I saw a few. One, round and luminous, took its time on its journey. Others were quick and small, causing you to be surprised you'd even seen it. It really is like a dance up there.
The heavens declare the glory of God;
the skies proclaim the work of His hands.
Day after day they pour forth speech;
night after night the display knowledge.
There is no speech or language where their voice is not heard.
Their voice goes out into all the earth, their words to the ends of the world.
Last night I watched the night sky with the Brandon's. Whitlock and Holman or, as I call them, Binker and Nod. They came to see me and we remeinced about old times at Tiffany's, Belhaven, Jackson. When I woke up this morning my voice was hoarse from all the talking and laughing. It was good to laugh and laugh through past stories and present ones. I miss being with those people nearly every day but I enjoy seeing the pattern each of our lives take, seeing how we cross the sky. And I enjoy the eclectic reunions we find, new memories being made with whoever is closest, which changes as we shift our geography.
Today was milder at Falster Farm than it has been. The sun a little dimmer and the air cooler. This surprised me at first until Nancy and I remembered that it is November after all. Despite this there are three fully bloomed yellow irises in the garden out front and Nancy just pickled the last pick of baby cucumbers.
Life here has been full and busy thus the lack of updates. Karl is a retired United States Marine and this week we went to the Marines Birthday Ball. Nancy had a dress for me to wear and we all dressed up and had a good evening amidst the old Marines and their wives. I was even rescued by a young Marine. My table company dissipated homeward and dance floor bound, and he asked me to dance. Karl and Nancy danced more than any one and they looked fabulous.
We also took a trip to Tyler and I went to the Rose Garden while Nancy and Karl ran an errand. It was simply lovely. I didn't realize there were so many different kinds of roses and I felt quite like Alice wandering about Wonderland or Looking Glass World. That morning I received a text from my dear friend Scott whom I haven't heard from in a long time. Busy school semesters. Unfortunately his text wasn't actually text and I wasn't sure I could open it. Scott and I used to take walks to smell the roses in Belhaven gardens. I missed him and those walks as I meandered among the roses in Scott's home state. When I texted to tell him so he wrote back ' That's what I sent you this morning! ' He'd sent a picture of a rose that very morning. I do love friendly serendipity.
Serendipity and symmetry. The last time I visited Falster Farm two years ago I told Bonnie and Kaelen that I had decided it was my last semester at Belhaven. That night at Bonnie asked Karl to get champagne and she toasted to my immediate future and our friendship. Arriving at the Farm last week I told Nancy about seeking out my next steps, short and long term. She poured us glasses of homemade chocolate orange wine and toasted my Farm visit. "May it be revealing."
Seeking mayn't look exactly as I thought it would but I am learning and growing and finding. A long walk today helped me see that. I'm learning through conversations with Nancy and Karl, watching life around me, helping with housework. My Mom taught us that some of the best learning goes initially unrealized. That's how this is. I'm learning without even realizing it. It's amazing what God can use to teach us. 'The earth is filled with His glory.'
This week I read that the word 'antibiotic' means 'against life'. Antibiotics have been overused in the medical industry and destroy more life in out bodies than the illness they are intended for. 'Kamazotz' was an antibiotic. Sterile sameness. Everything clean and together and to what purpose? Life is stifled.
Falster Farm is a 'probiotic' (with life). There is manure and dirt and mud and LIFE. The refrigerator looks like a science project because Nancy knows the benefits of fermented foods. The fermentation in the sauerkraut, kefir, yogurt, etc. is literally full of life that is good for your body. There is very little waste and the scraps that there are go to feed the chickens which provide more food. The kitchen doesn't stay tidy because it is in constant use providing, sustaining, nurturing life.
From dirt, manure and scraps come grass and milk and eggs.
I feel good already from healthy eating and I've been enjoying my time on the farm so far. Karl and Nancy are so kind to host me. Yesterday I met the cow that's named after me (I'll get pics up sometime)and helped move cows (they ran past Nancy and I! It was a little intimidating), and that was before church! We had a potluck at church and then came back and I got to talk with Kaelen on the phone out in the garden. After a Sunday nap I went riding with Nancy which I very much enjoyed even though Razz figured out that since I wasn't Karl he didn't neccesarily have to go when and where I told him. It was a beautiful day.
I'm getting in some good quiet time and prayer in addition to helping Nancy with some projects. I'll post some more later but thought I should at least give a little update.
"No," (deep breath to enable shortened spiel) "I took theatre classes at Belhaven College but I wasn't pursuing a degree. After that I did two internships and now...well I'm trying to figure out what's next."
"Ah." they say with arched eyebrows.
I'm twenty four years old and crashing with my parents. I'm tired of sponging and want to know what I'm doing next. I've really enjoyed the time with my family but I'm ready to be able to answer the question "What are you doing right now?" Of course I am an allegedly creative person so I could come up with some much more interesting answers than the regular ( and I do mean spouted often ) response. Of course when I was in Tennessee and told Mom's family that I was pursuing acting and was currently 'in transition' the room would get very quiet and then someone would change the subject. Plus I don't wear make-up and I like to eat. I believe that I am an anomaly to them.
I not only want to know what's 'next' but what it is I'm working towards. It was encouraging this weekend to hear Cate Blanchett say that when she went to acting school she had a sort of vague idea of what she was wanted but wasn't particularly working towards being a film star. And when asked why she and her husband decided to run a theatre in Australia she didn't seem to know quite how that had come about either. By that I don't mean she sounded like a ditz, not in the least. Cate Blanchett is most certainly not a ditz. She simply gave the impression that it wasn't so much a determined goal as a natural progression. That's hopeful for me.
The last few days have been a little difficult for me. Internally I mean. Head and heart. I had the amazing privilege of going to DC and seeing Cate Blanchett both perform and speak. Usually when I see exquisite work, or hear someone in my hoped for field talk about their work, I get fired up and inspired about acting. The show was incredible but that expected feeling of wanting to jump on a stage asap wasn't as strong as I thought it would be. Now granted, I have had other things on my mind and have been in sort of a melancholy crankiness the past few days so that may contribute to the dampening of sparks.
Parts of the conflict and confusion that make a big dark November cloud for melancholy to dwell? A stronger desire for roots, a place to 'unpack', to at least be based...and not knowing where that is. An uncertainty of where and how far to pursue acting. What do I want? How does God want me to use it? The desire to start a family and wondering where acting fits in with that. A strange feeling that maybe that desire is becoming larger, but knowing that it wouldn't be right for me to completely give it up. A need for a church home, Christian fellowship and accountability, spiritual food. Not wanting to be terribly far from home and family. (Though don't think I've given up my traveling days. I just would like to do it from a home base.)
Yesterday I woke up and I felt like I didn't even know how to pray. It was truly frustrating and yesterday was the peak of crankiness. God is good and He is faithful and I had some sunshine encounters with good friends throughout my grey day. Thank You Lord for how You work in my life.
Tomorrow I leave for Falster Farm in Winnsboro, Texas for two weeks. I've spent an Easter and a Thanksgiving at Falster Farm with my dear friend Bonnie and some of our friends. The farm belongs to Bonnie's mom and stepdad. We got to work hard, eat healthy and enjoy good fellowship. I've wanted to go back and work on the farm for a long time and never have the opportunity. And now I do. So I'm going to spend some time there and I'm going to pray, and think and work and pray. I hope to learn some more about preparing healthy food from Mrs. Falster. I hope to be helpful to the Falsters while I'm there and do some wholesome farm work. I hope to milk goats! And meet the cow that shares my name. And I hope to clear my head a little and come back with a better idea of 'what's next'. I would appreciate your prayers too and if you have anything that you would like me to pray for then please don't hesitate to let me know. I'm taking a facebook break but I intend to be on here, e-mail and cell phone. I love a good snail mail note too.
Alright, time to finish packing up! Thanks for reading. Have a lovely night.