Scotland!

Haven't decided yet if I really ought bring back this older blog for Scotland travels or just write away on this one, but here's a link for now to show what's up. ;)
https://scotlandfaith.blogspot.com/2019/07/and-were-back.html

Resurrection Christian

“The resurrection is unequivocally the lynch pin of Christianity.” Pastor Ken
This morning at City Church we started an Easter series in 1 Corinthians 15 focusing on the resurrection. Most of the people in my life know I’m a Christian. It has always been of concern to me, and earlier this year became clear, that not everyone in my life knows what that means. And that’s on me.
From this morning’s sermon here are three things it means to truly be a Christian.

1. I believe in the actual, physical, real resurrection of Jesus Christ from death to life. As Ken said today “Not metaphorical. Not hypothetical. Not “What if?…” Really. 
2. I can believe this because I also believe that Jesus Christ is God. As a Christian I believe in the triune God: Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Three distinct persons, one true God. Jesus, God the Son, was fully God and fully man.  
3. The entirety of scripture points to exactly this, exactly Jesus. All of it. The Old Testament isn’t dusty and out of date, the New Testament isn’t the only thing of relevance, the whole of the Bible is about God’s rescue plan and tells of Jesus and of the resurrection. As Ken said this morning either of the need for it, it’s coming, it’s happening, it’s relevance, or the rejoicing in it- the whole Bible is one story. 

This is what it means at the core to be a Christian. This is what this sermon, a really good one, is about. And this *should* shape the way I live. Friends, if you have questions about this (because it is a HUGE claim) and want to talk about it, ask questions, know why I believe it- if you have seen ways that I haven’t lived this out that have affected you- please, let’s get coffee, tea, ice cream, a beer- your choice, let’s skype or message or chat. I would love to have the opportunity to talk about this with you. Thanks for reading and happy, happy spring. <3

https://soundcloud.com/htschurch/receiving-the-resurrection

"All Hopeful and All Broken, All Joyful and All Mourning"

“Sinners come behold your King

Sufferers rise with hope and sing

All is well, mercies are new this day

    Burdens all met with grace”
– Citizens and Saints

     “Two things can be true.” The snarky quote comes to mind as my counselor & I untangle and examine the knot of conflicting emotions on a Monday afternoon. She reminds me that several things can be true simultaneoulsy as I unfold sorrow and gladness wrapped up together. This particular afternoon it comes from complexities resulting after the end of a relationship.  At the start of September K & I broke up. We’ve known each other for four years, dated for most of that, and while this is not our first break up, it is our last one. 

Break ups are pretty much the worst regardless of how wise, needed, or mutual they may be. They hurt. They can make you feel like you’ve been punched in the gut, carry a thousand pounds on your heart, or have that burning sad just behind your eyes. The emotional punch they carry can hit you at the most strange, unexpected moments, just when you thought you were quite fine, thank you. This is because break-ups remind us of the way things ought to be and aren’t. Though inevitable, often necessary, and even good in this life, the breaking and loss of relationship remind us that the world we live in is broken. That we are broken. We are designed for relationship, and relationships were meant for endurance. Break-ups are part of post-Eden life, but they hurt and feel amiss because they speak of something else lost, something not-quite-right.

That is one side of this season. Another is that I’ve seen grace and provision absolutely abound in my life these past weeks. God’s *grace to me (*grace being good gifts that are undeserved.) has been abundantly clear and it makes this time sweet. In the middle of a broken reality I’ve seen evidences of grace that are  not just cosmic, big-picture, theological reality, but personal, direct, daily ways that God loves and cares about me. 

Evidence of grace is in living with a family of my friends and their girls and coming home to an environment where I feel loved, safe, happy and secure.
It is in the provision of time and place for the initial difficult conversation, in speaking truth,
in an providentially planned trip home to see my family,
in my baby brother’s SO thoughtful "break up basket",
in my Mom’s support, 

in coffee with my oldest friend and seeing her kids,
in having an art collaboration to focus on the week after.

It is in teaching Preschool class at church the following few weeks and God reminding me of sweet truths in that space,
in my church family and the word of God,
in seeing the effects, tools & growth from counseling this year put to work,
in the timing of being in a healthier place emotionally, 

in anxiety struggles being immensely better.
There is grace even in the ability to see these things and not be undone, or enfolded in cloud and fog.

There is grace too in the clarity of a decision. 

Besides this, I’m writing and reading more, making plans with friends, walking, going to the lake, catching up with people I haven’t in ages. I get excited about the things I used to; excited about how God is working in my life, in the church, in what He shows me through his word. 

These are good, good things. 

Yet knowing this joy doesn’t eliminate the pain. I feel good things and sometimes feel a gut punch.  I know great love and support and sometimes feel sadness and insecurity. This is where 'two things can be true' comes in. I do feel loved, secure, happy, more myself, and see gifts of grace all over the place. However it is still in the midst of pain, and loss, and anger, and frustration.  These things can be true in me all at the same time. These conflicting things in the same body, at the same moment.

The Psalms are full of this sort of tension. This tension is all over the Bible. In Christian theology we refer to this as the "Already, Not Yet" quality of the kingdom of God. This term encompasses the absolute, unbending truth that Christ is our anchor with the reality of the current tension in our hearts, of emotions tugging, of living in a world marred by sin. The apostle Paul talks about this inner conflict in Romans when he says “For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” (Romans 7:15)

We feel something amiss because our souls whisper the reminder of what ought to be, of Eden, of what was before the Fall. We are living in a world, and with hearts, that have been broken by sin. Sin is choosing our own way instead of God’s way. And we think it will bring life, but like Adam and Eve, we are deceived. And earth has been groaning since that deceit, groaning as all its children are born seeking their own way, born in sin. I believe two things can be true at the same time, but I’m not a relativist or pluralist. We don’t create our own truth, we feel this tension because of what is true.

Jesus stands in the same scriptures that acknowledge this tension and says “I am the way and the truth and the life, there is no way to the Father except through me.”  This is not a “both, and” statement. If Jesus is God and Creator of us, then it is a loving, helpful, and kind direction. Through Jesus the broken things are made right. My inability to have relationship with a holy God is made available to me as Jesus takes my sin on Himself at the cross and defeats death at the resurrection.

So, the gorgeous thing is that in God’s good grace, while I live in the Already AND the Not Yet, knowing Jesus means that even those aching and painful feelings can send me right back into His arms saying 'it hurts.' It hurts because it isn’t how it was meant to be, it hurts because God’s original design echoes in my heart. And He who took on flesh knows that hurt experientially. He understands, and He is making all things new. That’s the other side of pain right now. Break ups are awful, but grace has abounded.

In the difficult moments of two things true, God’s good grace loops me right back to my Saviour and anchor. I’m already God’s daughter, redeemed and forgiven because of Jesus’s work; but I am not yet who I should be. I am not yet with Him in heaven. I am not yet fully sanctified. I am already redeemed of my sin and the death it brought. I am not yet free of it’s consequences or sinless in a broken world. In His patience God is MAKING all things new, but He doesn't scratch everything and start over. I’d have pushed the reset button right after Eve and Adam chose themselves. Yet, because of God’s patience, pain and brokenness can send me right back to His arms asking for Him to continue changing my heart and making me ready for Home. Two things can be true at the same time. But the solid and unchanging Author of my faith is ever and always true. In this is my hope and peace. 

“All helpless all secure

All hopeful and all broken

All thankless and all poor

All peaceful and all violent

All fearless all afraid

All angry all rejoicing

All doubting all assured

All joyful and all mourning

Come gaze upon His glory

Come receive His love and mercy

His grace declares His glory

You are loved, forever wholly

Oh Lord our Lord

How majestic is your name in all the earth”

Citizens and Saints,How Majestic,2016

Sunday Sums (Days 28 & 29, and also Today~Years 28 & 29:30 to 30)

~
 Today (Sunday)  after worship and service at GHC, I was downstairs helping to take care of the bebe's in nursery. It's such a wonder to look at my friend's Joel and Allison's little Daisy from across the room, how she looks like both her parents, how I wouldn't have known when I first moved to Cleveland what great friends they would be, how they would remain in my life when original hopes & plans shifted and moved. And it's a wonder to hold Rosemary (yes, our nursery is full of flowers.) and think how last year her Mom obligingly let me rest my hand on her tummy to feel the baby move while we got ready for our friend's wedding, and how we didn't know Rosey then and now here she is, her own little human being, laughing and smiling at me and simply so precious. And I'm grateful for the people here, and for how we've in ways small or big been part of each other's lives. And the stress I feel from the week is helped by holding babies, and by singing worship, and by hearing truth, and by praying after a sermon on anxiety (how apt. He's always doing that.), and by seeing people I care about. And these things, they aren't my salvation, they can't be my hope, but it's beautiful that God can order our good in such a way to include these elements in how we flourish. And I look at the babies and am in wonder at the friendships they remind me of, and the lives of the people & the community around me, and how what I thought I was moving to Cleveland for isn't why I stayed.
~
 After service Kevin comes downstairs and says hello to his own favorite little person~ when Clara is in the room I wonder if I might lost my boyfriend to her but I'm okay with that. She's four after all, and they both adore one another. I ask if he'll take me to pick up my headshots because I have an audition and he says yes and asks if I'll be done in time for dinner with our friends Chiara and Josh that night. "Of course!" I've been looking forward to dinner with them all week, I love that I landed in the same city as these two. Chiara and I met in 2009 at MasterWorks and given that she's from Switzerland I never dreamed I'd get to do life in the same random city, with the same great people, in the same church with her. Chiara loves birthdays and for each of my CLE ones she's done something to make it special, like make Josh wake up to go get me so she could make me pancakes. :) She's busy on Monday and says she wants us over for dinner so she can celebrate with me.
 I will definitely be done with auditions on time.
 "Do we need to bring anything?" Kevin asks.
 "I meant to text Chiara, I'll do that."
 "Okay, well let me know what she says and I can pick it up on the way."
~
 I'm not quite prepared for these auditions and wasn't sure I'd go. When I told Cassie this the night before she said "Oh you haaaave to go! You loved that!" It's the Cleveland Shakespeare Festival auditions.
She's right, I did love it. 28th year was definitely highlighted by getting involved in theatre in Cleveland. My first performance in 3 yrs was actually on my 28th birthday, then I performed with CSF (the one Cassie was referring to) and then got to work with the Cleveland Play House as an actor educator in their Classroom Matinee Touring Program. Which was wonderful. That contract ended a year ago and 29 brought me full circle back to Starbucks in the Cleveland Clinic (busiest in the state thank you.) and that's where this good looking social worker started coming in and ordering an Americano everyday. Then one day last summer he popped up at my church and my people placement radar took a few minutes to register where and why and how I knew him. "One of your regulars, Grande Americano, Bing!" And so I went and said "Hi!" and he looked surprised, and smiled. Then lots of other stuff happened and didn't happen and the timing was off and there was a phone call someone likes to refer to as the "I don't like you" call, which is not actually what I said, but it was still That Call. Then Fall came, and good looking social worker was coming to my community group now so he was in my path alot. And timing changed. And there was another phone call, from him this time, about penguins and a 'proper date'. Which was lovely and lasted a whole Sunday and turned into Actually Dating.
~
 I felt unprepared for the audition but in the getting ready & the sunshine gorgeousness of the day & Kevin's help in acquiring headshots, I started to feel more excited & also like myself in a way I miss.
  It made me laugh to get chips and guac at Chipotle so that I can use their bathroom to do my make-up and change, semi-run through my monologues, and then snag a table to assemble my headshot and res (which the bookstore kindly printed for me as I had one copy and needed two. Thank you so much Mac's Books~I owe you.) While putting the rest of my life back together in my Mary Poppins bag I chuckled and thought "Yup. This makes me feel like an actor."
 And I leave and look like a crazy person not only because of my bag but also because I'm running through lines and therefore talking passionately to imaginary people while crossing the street. On my way to the building I see Josh and Chiara and sneak up for hugs, happy to see such good friends before an audition. They tell me I look good and wish me luck and they're the friends we're seeing later so we exchange "looking forward to it!"'s
 I'm the first one there and close on my heels are two former cast mates from the summer I did this, so again I feel happy and encouraged. And I audition and  I forget half the words to my first monologue which is remarkable because I know it back and forth, but I just keep going and part of me is thinking "I have no idea what I'm saying. I don't know what these words are." And part of me is thinking "This is Shakespeare and it's Much Ado, they totally know that I don't know these words." And part of me isn't thinking, she's just going. The second piece goes much better and to my happy amazement they want me to come to callbacks. On the way out I say to my former director who sat in, "I don't know where the words went Tyson. They were just gone." And he says "Oh darling, you wouldn't have known it watching you." which makes me feel oh so much better. And I have a call back. And that feels great.
~
I walk home and sit in the sun with Cassie and thank her for getting me to go. Cute social worker picks me up to go to our friends house and I use lots of words to tell him how the audition went. And we get to Josh and Chiara's and give hugs and I tell Kevin I can't breath in his hug, which he says is perfect, which is not weird at all, and then he lets me go and the dining room is full of lots of people. Which is also why there are streamers. And they are people I really like. To celebrate with me. Because Kevin thought that would be a good surprise idea for my birthday. Which is pretty great. And there are really beautiful cakes too. And there is yummy food & tasty drinks. And babies to hold and friends to hug and talk to. And that's where I end 29 and say hello to 30.

Alaska Adventures With Mama Henry and Fierce Koala (Day 27~Year 27: 30 to 30)

Of all the amazing things I got to see while working on the Boat one of my all time favorites was seeing my Mom on the dock in Sitka. Since I was little she'd talked about Alaska and I'd always wanted to take her somehow. You get a free trip on any expedition when you've fulfilled a 6 month contract and things lined up for my Mom to come the last week I was on a fill in in Alaska. It's still hard for me to believe that this happened. It was  a bit Ridiculous. And lovely. However it worked out I'm so thankful it did. I'm also grateful to my brother Sam who after I called Mom (from my first visit in Cleveland actually!) to propose the actual plan talked some sense into her when she was tottering.
 The whole day my Mom was traveling I was worrying about her flight transfers and Would She Make It. I'd never seen her fly and didn't know til then that she was fine with it. I've learned a Whole Lot the past few years about things I thought my Mom didn't like when actually she does, things are just different when you're watching kiddos versus not watching kiddos. Example~I thought she didn't like cities. And I was wrong.) It's kind of cool getting to know your parents as an adult.
 I also called Moma couple of days before to discuss definitions of "Cold".
 "No really, I know you love love love the cold, but really Mom, it's C o l d. It's boat cold. It's cold. Please bring actually warm clothes. Please."
 "Mmmmhmmmm."
"Mom. Like not cotton. Bring synthetic stuff."
"Mmmhmmm."

 When they brought in her luggage the Expedition Specialist came to me looking worried.
"Did we lose your Mom's luggage?"
[ Dry and with slight eye roll ]"No. That IS her luggage."
 "It's just a carry on."
"Yes."
 "Where are her boots?"
 "She's wearing them."
 The ES's worry turned to admiration "I wish I could pack like that!"
Yes. Excepting for the part where the "boat cold" wasn't believed. The rest of the week I chased her like a Mother duck (ironic, yes.) trying to bundle her up with extra coats and thermal things.

 It was so great to have her there and I had a day off to spend with her too. We went out for a hike and on a raft ride to see bald eagles and mountains and trees and sea lions. Then we came back for lunch and were both so freaking worn out that we lay in bed and I was trying with forced gusto to get her to go kayaking but I was too tired to fight while she lay on the other side of the bed saying,
 "Yeah. Yeah. We can do that. We can do whatever you want." in voice that was clearly falling totally asleep and not about to get into a kayak.
 We did kayak at some point. We got ice cream in Petersburg, met new people, had slumber parties in her room, went to Glacier Bay and saw calving glaciers, and the last day of the trip we watched a bunch of humpbacks bubble net fishing at dinner time. And it was the last week of my fill in so we got to stay in the hotel together and have a girls night and then fly back to WV with a Scotch toast to a grand adventure. An adventure with my Mama.

Stella (Day 26 ~Year 26:30 to 30)

Part of the point of working on the boat at all was to save money to either be able to establish in a city

type place and start auditioning and looking for acting gigs or to get more refined training as a performer. Which is how I got to Stella Adler in NYC. On the one hand I didn't plan or budget nearly well enough to last very long there. On the other, I went because I felt like I was supposed to and employment doors to stay (not of the performance variety either. Just of the rent paying, grocery buying, air breathing sort.) didn't open. Even before going I knew NY wasn't quite my cuppa and honestly I was terrified at first. Which I never told my Mother til later on account of her being terrified that I was going. So I was like "S'no biggie! It's fine Mama." while I was stress dreaming the week before I went for a visit trip to scout places to live.

 But that changed and if nothing else it was kind of great to learn that much in my very brief time there. And it changed quickly. I was fine. And learning that I could do the subway systems and even help other people with them, that felt pretty awesome. 

 I will say that any patience I had remaining from working in customer service for 6 months straight on the boat (mine had been squelched out sadly) probably left while I was there. And not with New Yorkers~ suddenly I understood where they get their not deserved and actually I don't think even nowadays as much attributed reputation: when you're trying to get to work and tourists are taking up the ENTIRE both sides of the sidewalk, or simply not walking, or stopping on an escalator....yes, like I said, I was once a patient person. She seems to have left the building.
 So when I talk about this super short period of time there is a sense of "fail" as clearly I didn't finish up. But I wish I could discard that because I truly enjoyed the time I did have at Stella, I got some good out of it & some encouragement, met some lovely & talented people, and it's just fun to have gotten to study my craft in the heart of The City at all. And also I met again with the fact that while I love, love, to perform and am told I'm actually good at it, that maybe I don't have the drive to do it for a living. It's always been a doubt and New York brought it in clearer. A part of my heart still falters there feeling like maybe I take the easy or practical way out and don't steward my talents well but...I just don't know.
 The fact that I have an actual bank of New York moments makes me smile. Moving to the city at the same time Bonnie and Alex did and actually getting to see them made me glad. Central Park, Stella Adler, friends I made, old friends I visited (and who showed me such kindness! Milena, I mean you lady.). And it's so funny that while I'm glad to not be living there every once in a while I'll just MISS New York. When my Mom started watching Ugly Betty I watched some too and it's so very New York and suddenly I missed really random stuff like cheap cups of coffee with the little greek statue men printed on them.

 I do NOT miss working at Macy's although it's again fun to be able to say I worked in The Macy's, like the biggest store in the world Macy's. 

 Also New York probably helped me see some of what I did want. To have the contrast of Cleveland right after New York was good. I am a relational person and New York is not so much a relational city. People don't so much have one another to their homes because space is small and limited and so is time. Not so in CLE. And it's not as scrunchy.

 Touching back briefly on that sense of fail though and on this chapter of my life, the boat and New York are where some things started unhappily shifting for me I think. It was really good these last couple of days to write and remember over AmeriCorps & YWAM & Belhaven & CPAF, looking over 'rocks of remembrance' of God's good provision and leading in my life and as His follower and a performing artist. My time on the boat, while it has many good aspects, and while I believe God can use and does use that experience in my life, was a really difficult one spiritually. We aren't meant to go it alone, our walk is not only personal but meant to be lived out in a corporate context, within a body of believers who are the church. And so I still feel the repercussions of a season very much out of that. There were people I specifically asked to check in, to pray, to keep me accountable, and that was great and to them I'm grateful. But it isn't the same and while I'm so glad for having seen whales, kayaking in Alaska, the magic of Baja, so much....there's a part of me too that isn't so certain it was wise.

 And then there was post NY and Stella. I'd really felt I was supposed to go and so after it didn't work out (which again, I do believe was in part poor planning.) there was a bit of a before unknown to me raw spot in my relationship with God. I'd certainly gone to Him with things I didn't understand, things that made me sad, things with which I wrestled, but I think this was the first time that I felt...almost angry. Bitter. 

 I felt He'd called me to go....and now what? I felt that it had been over and over shown to me that this is where my giftings were, in acting, and shown to me by other people. people who actually knew their stuff, not my own self. Moving to New York scared me but I went. And it didn't work. That was really hard and I didn't understand. Somewhere I knew that the Lord's purpose in me going to New York could easily be completely not what I'd thought or expected at all. But not knowing what to do with what I was good at, not knowing why this door opened and closed, feeling I'd been led and not seeing the purpose~it was hard and it hurt. 

 This post is supposed to lead into Cleveland though I think now I'll divide 26 & 27 but I want to bring it in for a moment. When I moved to Cleveland I was looking for A Place To Be that included a good church and a community. And I found that in Cleveland, and in community here I could & can be honest about these things. I'm not judged because we each know our hearts are broken, our natures bent, and when I share, something may resonate with someone else, when they share, something may resonate with me, and in the sharing we can, from our different spot in the story, remind one another of what is True.

 . I still don't know all of the Lord's purposes in New York or any of that. I can still get a little sad over it, but I'm no longer bitter over it. It's sore sometimes, but I can trust that He works all things together for His glory which in His grace He wondrously has tied up with my good.
 And I can see this even in how I got to Cleveland. I moved for entirely other reasons than how I stayed. I moved for a relationship, and it didn't last, and it took me a while (though clearly less time then the NY puzzle) to see "Oh. That was to get me to Cleveland." :) 

 

The Boat (Day 25~Year 25:30 to 30)

When I was 25 the year started looking like I was going to have one kind of adventure. And then that changed. Which was very good. But then I wanted to Do Something. Since before my adventures began I'd learned about Lindblad Expeditions and thought that could be really fun to do one day. In AmeriCorps I learned that my team mate & now friend Jordan knew about them too and his brother (who now I know too!) worked for them. Jordan said he'd wanted to work with them as well. And one day he did. And then he would start to write me about whales or when I'd see him at reunions he'd say "You should come work on the boat Feet."

And so.
It was time.

I was in Indiana after a MasterWorks festival when I got the email with my itinerary and I didn't even know what to do with myself. I was going to Alaska. Alaska. I hadn't expected it and I was excited. And from there I'd go to Oregon and Washington for fall on the rivers. And then (what the what was Shipyard? Oh boy, I'd learn.) a month or so in California, and finally Baja California, what I didn't yet know is one of the most magical places I've ever been and I dare say on earth. It was positively ridiculous, and wonderful, that my itinerary included every place that my particular boat~ The SeaBird~goes. 

So yeah. I worked on a boat. It was pretty cool. Sometimes I hated it. Sometimes it was ridiculously awesome. Definitely it provided me incredible opportunities I'd never have been able to do otherwise. And definitely I've written lots about it here in previous posts and I am pretty stupid tired tonight so that's about all I'm gonna say on it for now.