November Greys

"So have you finished school?"

I hate this question.

"No," (deep breath to enable shortened spiel) "I took theatre classes at Belhaven College but I wasn't pursuing a degree. After that I did two internships and now...well I'm trying to figure out what's next."

"Ah." they say with arched eyebrows.

I'm twenty four years old and crashing with my parents. I'm tired of sponging and want to know what I'm doing next. I've really enjoyed the time with my family but I'm ready to be able to answer the question "What are you doing right now?" Of course I am an allegedly creative person so I could come up with some much more interesting answers than the regular ( and I do mean spouted often ) response. Of course when I was in Tennessee and told Mom's family that I was pursuing acting and was currently 'in transition' the room would get very quiet and then someone would change the subject. Plus I don't wear make-up and I like to eat. I believe that I am an anomaly to them.

I not only want to know what's 'next' but what it is I'm working towards. It was encouraging this weekend to hear Cate Blanchett say that when she went to acting school she had a sort of vague idea of what she was wanted but wasn't particularly working towards being a film star. And when asked why she and her husband decided to run a theatre in Australia she didn't seem to know quite how that had come about either. By that I don't mean she sounded like a ditz, not in the least. Cate Blanchett is most certainly not a ditz. She simply gave the impression that it wasn't so much a determined goal as a natural progression. That's hopeful for me.

The last few days have been a little difficult for me. Internally I mean. Head and heart. I had the amazing privilege of going to DC and seeing Cate Blanchett both perform and speak. Usually when I see exquisite work, or hear someone in my hoped for field talk about their work, I get fired up and inspired about acting. The show was incredible but that expected feeling of wanting to jump on a stage asap wasn't as strong as I thought it would be. Now granted, I have had other things on my mind and have been in sort of a melancholy crankiness the past few days so that may contribute to the dampening of sparks.

Parts of the conflict and confusion that make a big dark November cloud for melancholy to dwell?
A stronger desire for roots, a place to 'unpack', to at least be based...and not knowing where that is.
An uncertainty of where and how far to pursue acting. What do I want? How does God want me to use it?
The desire to start a family and wondering where acting fits in with that. A strange feeling that maybe that desire is becoming larger, but knowing that it wouldn't be right for me to completely give it up.
A need for a church home, Christian fellowship and accountability, spiritual food.
Not wanting to be terribly far from home and family. (Though don't think I've given up my traveling days. I just would like to do it from a home base.)

Yesterday I woke up and I felt like I didn't even know how to pray. It was truly frustrating and yesterday was the peak of crankiness. God is good and He is faithful and I had some sunshine encounters with good friends throughout my grey day. Thank You Lord for how You work in my life.

Tomorrow I leave for Falster Farm in Winnsboro, Texas for two weeks. I've spent an Easter and a Thanksgiving at Falster Farm with my dear friend Bonnie and some of our friends. The farm belongs to Bonnie's mom and stepdad. We got to work hard, eat healthy and enjoy good fellowship. I've wanted to go back and work on the farm for a long time and never have the opportunity. And now I do. So I'm going to spend some time there and I'm going to pray, and think and work and pray. I hope to learn some more about preparing healthy food from Mrs. Falster. I hope to be helpful to the Falsters while I'm there and do some wholesome farm work. I hope to milk goats! And meet the cow that shares my name. And I hope to clear my head a little and come back with a better idea of 'what's next'. I would appreciate your prayers too and if you have anything that you would like me to pray for then please don't hesitate to let me know. I'm taking a facebook break but I intend to be on here, e-mail and cell phone. I love a good snail mail note too.

Alright, time to finish packing up! Thanks for reading. Have a lovely night.