Cephus and Wiggins

I didn't have to go into work until 5:00 yesterday and it was lovely to have a full afternoon and still get to work a good shift. Before going in I thought "Lord, it would be nice to see a familiar face tonight, someone that I love." So having thought this my joy was double when I look across the restaurant to see my pretty Aunt Jen. I caught her up in a hug and had to keep from crying I was so happy. With her were my Uncle Danny, their friend Donnie and (talk about double joys)my handsome darling twin cousins, Chuck and Jacob or Cephus and Wiggins as we like to call them.

I hadn't seen them since Easter and they have grown so much! I'm certain that I broke some codes of professional conduct and was definitly distracted but no one complained, including my boss who was out on the floor and saw me covering their big heads and beautiful faces in kisses. Such good babies! I thought they were asleep in their double stroller when they came in but no, they were just calmly sitting and looking around. They didn't cry or verbally fuss at all, and they were so happy.
I'm in love.

Take Me Home Down Country Roads...

It's September and the nights are getting cooler. I love that. Last weekend I got to go visit my family. The Burrow on the mountain, by the river and in the woods was a welcome relief from Kamazotz, land of sameness. Don't get your mental pictures skewed though, as I was trying to write a friend about the delights of sitting outside on a perfect cool morning my nerves were being shot everytime Sam came in slamming the door and clapping his hands. It isn't meant to perfect down here.

Being in a place where I can actually visit home is certainly nice. I'm grateful to my aunt and uncle for allowing me to use their house as a launching pad for whatever comes next. (Updates to come. I finally sent my headshot and resume to Blackfriar's!)I like my job at Vintage 51 and I like the people that I work with. They are kind to me and I'm able to get rides to and from work.

The guys in the kitchen like that I'm a 'West Virginia girl'. Kitchen Steve learned this becuase the day I went back I was surprisingly emotional, I suppose about the transition from trees to suburbia in its scariest form. I didn't know that the kitchen was full of guys from the mountains too and apparently he told them all I was a mountain girl. Cole started singing about the Shenandoah river and he and Steve talked about land they have up in the mountains. It's kind of comforting in the middle of this polished Pleasantville to have these guys who understand what I miss.

At the restaurant we serve a lot of local products. Our meat all comes from a farm in Purcellville where the animals are grass fed and pasture rotated. You can taste the difference and we make the best burger I've ever had. Our cheese fondue rocks too and so do our french fries, potato salad, and spicy mussels. Not neccesarily in that order. You should come see me and eat some of our food. We have good beer too. And as of today a cappucino machine.

And now my brain is blanking. For three days I'd been off of sugar again and I also wasn't watching tv. I could hear my thoughts again and my head was clearing, and energy was returning. But today began with the Fractured Prune and in that regard has been downhill sense. But that's okay. There's tomorrow.

Oh and all that about Sam slamming doors being said, he helped me make my bed that night in that caring way he has. I think I'll keep him.

Paper Cranes

It's three in the morning. I hate being up this late. It means the next few days, maybe even the week, feels off. But insomnia is a catching thing it seems, here at the Burrow and in Transistional phases I usually have much on the brain in the way of potential plans so it can be difficult to shut them off.

Mom and I took Dev (I used to have psuedonyms on here, what were they anyway?) to his new apartment on Tuesday. We didn't expect to stay overnight but amidst a day of various adventures (which he already wrote about and I'll post because he covered it well.) that's what wound up happening and I was glad for it. As he arranged his room with his belongings he made a comment about it being nice to know where everything went after being in a transitional mindset for so many months. How nice it was to be settled. I said yes, that I wanted that too and he laughed at me. "No you don't." he said practically in a guffaw.

And I know what he means, and he's right. I don't neccesarily want to be in one single place for the rest of my life yet. I like to travel about and see people and check out new places. (However I am getting to a point where I'd like to know where to anchor at least. That doesn't mean I have to stay there consistently but it would be good to have a base.) But what I meant was I would like to know where to hang my cranes.

For my twenty first birthday I received one of my all time favorite gifts, a handmade mobile of paper cranes from my beautiful friend Erika. Everywhere I've been since then they've been wrapped up, carefully packed (which is difficult I must say), untangled and hung by or above my bed. They've been packed away in my luggage since the end of May. It's nice to visit my family here at the Burrow, but it isn't where I can hang my cranes. With Devan moved out the little boys get their own rooms now & I'm excited to see them hang their cranes, as it were, making up their own corners of the world and arranging for their space as they please.

And I look forward to seeing where my next corner is too.

I'd love to hear about your corner. What is your version of a paper crane mobile? What would you take into a new space that makes it 'home', makes it yours?

Splashes

I wonder that it's so hard to get yourself back into writing a post after long absences. It isn't as though nothing has happened in my life. I think a good deal of it has to do with my own perfectionism. "Well if I can't write out everything I've done and learned this year in one eloquent go then why start at all?" But that's plain silly and if I wait til that happens well I'll near have forgotten the bits of this year. So here comes a plunge if for no other reason than to get back in the water again.

I'm 'in transition' again. I've been in this place so many times and, as is the case now, it usually involves crashing at The Burrow (home) and mooching off of my gracious parents until the next door presents itself. Or gets found through frantic searching. I've seen God's provision so many times that perhaps this go round is less anxious but still there's that concern that comes with uncertainty, the desire to control things, and the worry that I'm missing something or not taking a right step.

I've learned a lot about worry though.

In Bible study at MasterWorks we talked about how worry is one of the few socially acceptable sins. Once when I told a good friend that I hated how much I worry he said I didn't hate it or I wouldn't do it. He said I was addicted to it. I irked that he was probably right. Worry makes you feel like you're doing something but really it doesn't help anything and it indicates a lack of trust. At the same time in my life that my friend pointed this out my professor made a statement that also revoloutionized my thinking on this subject. It was the first time I saw that worry is indeed a sin and he said we're commanded not to do it. We don't have to worry. How lovely. How difficult.

I'm such a Martha. She gets caught up in being busy. When she complains to Jesus that her sister Mary isn't helping her with all that needs done He tells her that only one thing is needed and that Mary has chosen it and it won't be taken from her. Mary chose to be with Jesus. To sit at His feet and be present with Him. Luke 10:38-42

This morning I read in John where Jesus says "The work of God is this: to believe in the one He has sent." John 6:29

I'm really grateful for how gentle and loving Jesus is with Martha. She doesn't have it all right, she's fighting for control, but still He loves her and wants to teach her. God is teaching me too. He's teaching me about worry, about fear, about peace. I'm growing in these things. I'm not there yet but I can really see growth. And with God I don't think it's about being 'there'. For me, perfectionist, results driven me, I get in my head that it's about being 'there'. But with God I believe it's about relationship. He wants to take the time. He wants me to spend time with Him, wherever I'm at in my walk. With Him it's about process, and more than that, simply being with Him. I don't always get that, in fact most of the time I don't, but I'm really grateful for it. He is good. He loves me. He loves you too. And He fills me with hope.

Yes, Virginia, There is a Santa Claus

A child with no magic is a very sad thing. There is a little girl who sometimes haunts the office when her sister takes violin lessons with Gert. The little girl is blonde and talkative. She is six years old, matter of fact and unafraid to tell you The Way Things Are. She is little in the sense that she is small of build but 'little girl' seems an odd term because she Knows Things. She does not like to be called 'honey' because it makes her feel like a baby. She told me so. She was here on Tuesday and I was out of my cube so she caught me and, inquisitive one that she is, asked what I was doing.

“Getting the program ready for the concert on Sunday.”

She wanted to know what concert and who was performing and what they were performing and why. I told her that Mr. Kumi would be playing violin. I also told her she should come because it would be very good and there would be hot chocolate and cookies. She asked if me or any of my friends would be in it. I told her that I would be reading “Yes, Virginia, There Is A Santa Claus.”

“Santa Claus is dead you know. And he didn't have any reindeer.”

I stared at her a moment a little dumbfounded.
“St. Nicholas? He came to my house on Saturday.” I say.

She stares at me a moment.

My housmate Krisztina is Hungarian and December 6^th is St. Nicholas day in Hungarian culture. The children clean their shoes and put them outside of their doors and Santa comes to fill them with treats. On Saturday I put out my ruby red slippers, Krisztina and Julie their boots and Annaka her high heels. It was snowing in the morning and our shoes held oranges tied with ribbon, postcards from Hungary and chocolate. Krisztina's were filled with traditional American Christmas candies. A wedding in our house that afternoon made for more festivity and it was a lovely St. Nicholas day.

I tell the little girl about leaving our shoes out.

“Probably it was your Mom and Dad.” she explains to me.

“They don't live here.” I say.

“Then probably your friends did it.”

“ I don't know...” I say. “Here, I want to read you what I'm reading at the concert.” I feel suddenly that it is important for me to read the article to her. I want her to see the magic. I want her to understand.

We go to my office (euphemism for cubicle) and I get my printed copy of the famous letter to the editor from the December 1897 New York Sun. I begin to read it to her. She stops me at the first paragraph and asks if I will wear a wig. No I won't. At this point her Mom comes back and it is time for them to leave. I fold up the article and tell her to read it later.

I hope to myself that she will and feel very grateful for the childhood that I had and for my Mom who cultivated in my brothers and I a sense of wonder. You meet grownups all the time who haven't magic and that is sad enough, but to meet a child with no magic is tragic indeed. I hope she'll find it.

~ ~ ~

The same day I tried to read little girl about Santa Claus my new friend MJ came over to watch Charlie Brown Christmas with me. MJ is a writer and she loves stories. I met her at a bonfire where a group of people from the college here gathered to read old stories aloud.

MJ told me that when she was little she wasn't allowed to read the Narnia books or any fantasy. Her parents were afraid of her becoming obsessed with fantasy. One of her friends created her own worlds and people made fun of her. They didn't want her to become like that. She was made to feel that there was something wrong with imagination.

What's beautiful about MJ's story is that she found it on her own. She loves story now and she's able to love it without resenting her parents. She recently convinced them to let her read The Hobbit to her little sisters and so now she gets to share her love with them. I think that is wonderful and I was glad she told me.

~ ~ ~

The wedding on Saturday was truly beautiful. It was a small simple wedding. The ceremony was in the great room at our house. There were candles lit around the windows and out the window you could see snow falling gently on the lake, the ground covered in pretty white. Two swans swam by right on cue during the vows.

What was really beautiful though was witnessing the union of two individuals who are truly committed to Christ. Christi and Barry's vows struck me as so bold. “I promise to cherish you at all times, in all places, in all ways through the strength and faith of Christ Jesus our Lord.” They were beautiful in their boldness.

The girls and I have been talking lately about how bold David's prayers are in the Psalms. So often I pray within my concept of what I think God can do, or what I think is possible. I pray weakly. But David prays in boldness which I think may be a form of humility because he knows enough about God's character that he recognizes that God can say no. And he is walking closely with God so that his desires are being transformed by God and he can ask in confidence.

The wedding vows on Saturday were beautiful because of their impossibility by human standards. There will be moments when the two don't feel like cherishing one another. But the vow must be strong so that they can return to it. There wouldn't be the same beauty in saying “I will try my best to love you when I can.” Because the vow is strong they can return to it when there is failure. And they know that they can't do it except through living in the strength of God and His amazing grace.

Some other truths about marriage really sunk in with me during the service. How marriage is a call and a ministry. Two people becoming one to serve Christ together and bring Him glory. Realizing what it is supposed to be should change the way I look at things. I tend to look at marriage so selfishly, patting myself on the back that I've even gotten to the point where I can say “yes I think I'd like to get married.” I was reminded once again that it isn't about me. And that changes so much. What we think of as the core of marriage, companionship, physcial intimacy, etc., is actually as the bride said to me, a bonus. God's loving bonus to His children. Marriage itself is to glorify Him.

~ ~ ~

I had been realizing lately that I would like to get married one day and these things simply help me see what that really means. I think that I should like to marry one day and to have children. I want my children to have big minds.

As I thought that yesterday I thought of how people so often call Christians narrow minded. I think that sometimes this is because it's true in some cases and sometimes it is because as Christians we are to have narrow focus. I do pray that my children will have narrow focus. That their focus will be on Christ and God alone. Narrow mind is not the same as narrow focus though.

I want my children to have big minds because we do not serve a small God. Not even a big imagination can comprehend how deep and wide is the Father's Love for us so a narrow mind would seriously limit one's relationship with an incomprehensible God. I believe that it is in art, poetry, music, theatre that we can express the indescribable.

“Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.You tear apart the baby’s rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived could tear apart. Only faith, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.

No Santa Claus! Thank God! he lives and lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.”

~ ~ ~

Yesterday little girl came to my office and played with my kaleidescope and told me she thinks maybe the world will explode and we'll all float in space so maybe I was too harsh on her. I think there's hope.

Happy Christmas and may it be filled with wonder and love and relationship with our great God and the people He has placed in our lives.

Grrrr.

How is it that I can have a list going during the day, the week, of things I need to look up on the net and then it all leaves my head once I'm on the thing? grrrrr.

All Access

Today I had the wonderful blessing of getting to see some of the people from my time with YWAM. I did not have to take the Behemoth because my lovely house mate Julie already was interested in going and so was easily won over with the offer of gas money and coffee. She, Krisztina and I set out early and it was snowing. It looked so lovely and the excitement of seeing old friends mixed with the magic of falling snow made for the start of a feel good morning.

When we got to the school we were looking for the auditorium and I saw a backstage with familiar tour boxes. An actor I didn't know in a costume that I did came out. I asked if she was with All Access and if she could tell me where Kelsey was. She found the entrance to the auditorium and instructed me that Kelsey was the red-head. "I know", I said and ran inside to hug John-O and Kelsey and hear "SHUT-UP!" from the stage because Kelsey hadn't told them I was coming and Heather made her typical exclamations. Hugs from Holly and David, hugs and more "Shut-Up!" from HP (one of the happiest people you will ever meet.), greeting in an Irish accent from Johnny "McFlynn" holding his and Kelsey's new baby Lola (the furry, four legged kind). Holly and David caught up with me a bit before the show started and it was lovely how not weird it was to see them all. We've always noted that at Ameri-Corps reunions, how we just fall back into step. I am so glad that was how this morning was too.

The show was good, Holly was an adorable "New Girl". The girls liked it and the kids had a really good response. This group does really good work and I'm so glad that I got to be a part of it. I'm excited that they still do it and that I got to see them today. Dan's message about making a choice every time we open our mouths to speak words of life or words of death to people never gets old and I've heard it a hundred times.

The show is with Youth With A Mission, Metro NY, All Access. They tour the play No More Victims to schools across the nation. It's a show about valuing each other, about not bullying, about being responsible for the words we speak to one another and how words effect us. All Access takes this production into public high schools and they're sharing the truth of the gospel with these kids. It's really incredible. You can find out more at www.allaccessny.org or www.ywam-ny.com

Please pray for them as they continue to tour these next couple of weeks.