Befriend Faithfulness

Today at the Bucks I'm working second bar pouring milk and prepping the usual long line of cups for my co-worker Mark. I remember him mentioning being part of a play at his church and ask if that's still going on. It is.
"Yup. I've been an actor for 10 years now." says he as he finishes off a grande nonfat, no foam, with whip, caramel macchiato. Oh the lingo that is now a daily part of my life.

 I do some math in my head not counting elementary days of locking myself in my room and singing at the top of my lungs to The Commitments or Sister Act soundtracks, not counting when I was four and my aunts or Mom would hold my nose and tell me to say "Hello Max" like Norma Desmond in Sunset Boulevard ( I knew to lift my chin and look down my plugged nose too sending them into peals of laughter), not counting Christmas pageants and chicken out auditions and summer theatre camps. Choosing to count from my first real production at the Old Opera House, aka my second home and local community theatre growing up, I total the math while pouring 2%.

"16 years for me." I say not a little proudly and with a happy smirk, not necessarily because I've chronologically one upped him- I am after all older than he is, but because I'm proud to say it's been that long that I've been an actor. Which makes the next part sting more.

"You're an actor?"

Oi. When I first learned Mark was an actor I didn't even throw in 'me too' because in most other settings of my life that's just been a given. It's what I did. Not so in this season of my life it seems. "You're an actor?"
It isn't the first time though that what I have considered such a substantial part of my identity hasn't even been known about me. I've waded through patronizing comments and outright laughter and confused looks while waiting tables on the boat. Sometimes I just wanted to scream out 'You don't understand! This is what I'm GOOD at!'

 But I don't understand either really. I don't understand that it is something I"m good at and yet...
yet it's really hard for me to think of it in terms of an actual career. For myself at any rate. And after being in New York for a short time I feel I've stalled out somehow. And I question myself where it fits in my life. But while the question is still there withdrawal is setting in, it always does, and I want to do what I'm good at again. And I get really kooky.

And so while I take over for Mark whose shift is over I daydream about running away to LA. Watching clips of the Golden Globes and going to the movies with my roommate I crave to be in films. I am a goof and I love watching things like the Golden Globes and the Academy Awards. Seriously, it's like my Super bowl. And I do get excitedly involved as if touchdowns are happening for my home team. I like seeing all these actors familiar from the screen together in one room. It's just exciting.
So I daydream about LA. And I wonder what I'm doing with my life and what I'm supposed to be doing with my life and what God wants me to do with my life. And while making espresso drinks in Cleveland Clinic I remember this verse I stumbled on when I first moved here. It's in the Psalms and the part that comes to my mind is 'dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.'
Befriend faithfulness.
Earlier in this Psalm it also talks about delighting yourself in the Lord and Him giving you the desires of your heart. The desires of our heart are refined too and even changed sometimes as we do learn to delight ourselves in Him.
In these things I am encouraged even in the midst of work, in the midst of being really unsure. And when I get anxious and restless during the afternoon of coffee and customers and 'you're an actor?', wondering where I can best pursue what I'm good at, this answer comes back.
Befriend faithfulness.
 Be faithful.
Right now, in this season, be faithful to what is before you.
And I'm not always. Actually, I'm not often.
Be faithful in the small things first.

This helps. A lot. And the other things I've been reading and learning support this. That He works all things together for the good of those who love Him. That He works in us to will and to act according to His good purpose. That what seems like random threads He has purpose for & in. That these desires of my heart He has set there for a reason and that I need to trust and follow Him.