Splashes

I wonder that it's so hard to get yourself back into writing a post after long absences. It isn't as though nothing has happened in my life. I think a good deal of it has to do with my own perfectionism. "Well if I can't write out everything I've done and learned this year in one eloquent go then why start at all?" But that's plain silly and if I wait til that happens well I'll near have forgotten the bits of this year. So here comes a plunge if for no other reason than to get back in the water again.

I'm 'in transition' again. I've been in this place so many times and, as is the case now, it usually involves crashing at The Burrow (home) and mooching off of my gracious parents until the next door presents itself. Or gets found through frantic searching. I've seen God's provision so many times that perhaps this go round is less anxious but still there's that concern that comes with uncertainty, the desire to control things, and the worry that I'm missing something or not taking a right step.

I've learned a lot about worry though.

In Bible study at MasterWorks we talked about how worry is one of the few socially acceptable sins. Once when I told a good friend that I hated how much I worry he said I didn't hate it or I wouldn't do it. He said I was addicted to it. I irked that he was probably right. Worry makes you feel like you're doing something but really it doesn't help anything and it indicates a lack of trust. At the same time in my life that my friend pointed this out my professor made a statement that also revoloutionized my thinking on this subject. It was the first time I saw that worry is indeed a sin and he said we're commanded not to do it. We don't have to worry. How lovely. How difficult.

I'm such a Martha. She gets caught up in being busy. When she complains to Jesus that her sister Mary isn't helping her with all that needs done He tells her that only one thing is needed and that Mary has chosen it and it won't be taken from her. Mary chose to be with Jesus. To sit at His feet and be present with Him. Luke 10:38-42

This morning I read in John where Jesus says "The work of God is this: to believe in the one He has sent." John 6:29

I'm really grateful for how gentle and loving Jesus is with Martha. She doesn't have it all right, she's fighting for control, but still He loves her and wants to teach her. God is teaching me too. He's teaching me about worry, about fear, about peace. I'm growing in these things. I'm not there yet but I can really see growth. And with God I don't think it's about being 'there'. For me, perfectionist, results driven me, I get in my head that it's about being 'there'. But with God I believe it's about relationship. He wants to take the time. He wants me to spend time with Him, wherever I'm at in my walk. With Him it's about process, and more than that, simply being with Him. I don't always get that, in fact most of the time I don't, but I'm really grateful for it. He is good. He loves me. He loves you too. And He fills me with hope.

Yes, Virginia, There is a Santa Claus

A child with no magic is a very sad thing. There is a little girl who sometimes haunts the office when her sister takes violin lessons with Gert. The little girl is blonde and talkative. She is six years old, matter of fact and unafraid to tell you The Way Things Are. She is little in the sense that she is small of build but 'little girl' seems an odd term because she Knows Things. She does not like to be called 'honey' because it makes her feel like a baby. She told me so. She was here on Tuesday and I was out of my cube so she caught me and, inquisitive one that she is, asked what I was doing.

“Getting the program ready for the concert on Sunday.”

She wanted to know what concert and who was performing and what they were performing and why. I told her that Mr. Kumi would be playing violin. I also told her she should come because it would be very good and there would be hot chocolate and cookies. She asked if me or any of my friends would be in it. I told her that I would be reading “Yes, Virginia, There Is A Santa Claus.”

“Santa Claus is dead you know. And he didn't have any reindeer.”

I stared at her a moment a little dumbfounded.
“St. Nicholas? He came to my house on Saturday.” I say.

She stares at me a moment.

My housmate Krisztina is Hungarian and December 6^th is St. Nicholas day in Hungarian culture. The children clean their shoes and put them outside of their doors and Santa comes to fill them with treats. On Saturday I put out my ruby red slippers, Krisztina and Julie their boots and Annaka her high heels. It was snowing in the morning and our shoes held oranges tied with ribbon, postcards from Hungary and chocolate. Krisztina's were filled with traditional American Christmas candies. A wedding in our house that afternoon made for more festivity and it was a lovely St. Nicholas day.

I tell the little girl about leaving our shoes out.

“Probably it was your Mom and Dad.” she explains to me.

“They don't live here.” I say.

“Then probably your friends did it.”

“ I don't know...” I say. “Here, I want to read you what I'm reading at the concert.” I feel suddenly that it is important for me to read the article to her. I want her to see the magic. I want her to understand.

We go to my office (euphemism for cubicle) and I get my printed copy of the famous letter to the editor from the December 1897 New York Sun. I begin to read it to her. She stops me at the first paragraph and asks if I will wear a wig. No I won't. At this point her Mom comes back and it is time for them to leave. I fold up the article and tell her to read it later.

I hope to myself that she will and feel very grateful for the childhood that I had and for my Mom who cultivated in my brothers and I a sense of wonder. You meet grownups all the time who haven't magic and that is sad enough, but to meet a child with no magic is tragic indeed. I hope she'll find it.

~ ~ ~

The same day I tried to read little girl about Santa Claus my new friend MJ came over to watch Charlie Brown Christmas with me. MJ is a writer and she loves stories. I met her at a bonfire where a group of people from the college here gathered to read old stories aloud.

MJ told me that when she was little she wasn't allowed to read the Narnia books or any fantasy. Her parents were afraid of her becoming obsessed with fantasy. One of her friends created her own worlds and people made fun of her. They didn't want her to become like that. She was made to feel that there was something wrong with imagination.

What's beautiful about MJ's story is that she found it on her own. She loves story now and she's able to love it without resenting her parents. She recently convinced them to let her read The Hobbit to her little sisters and so now she gets to share her love with them. I think that is wonderful and I was glad she told me.

~ ~ ~

The wedding on Saturday was truly beautiful. It was a small simple wedding. The ceremony was in the great room at our house. There were candles lit around the windows and out the window you could see snow falling gently on the lake, the ground covered in pretty white. Two swans swam by right on cue during the vows.

What was really beautiful though was witnessing the union of two individuals who are truly committed to Christ. Christi and Barry's vows struck me as so bold. “I promise to cherish you at all times, in all places, in all ways through the strength and faith of Christ Jesus our Lord.” They were beautiful in their boldness.

The girls and I have been talking lately about how bold David's prayers are in the Psalms. So often I pray within my concept of what I think God can do, or what I think is possible. I pray weakly. But David prays in boldness which I think may be a form of humility because he knows enough about God's character that he recognizes that God can say no. And he is walking closely with God so that his desires are being transformed by God and he can ask in confidence.

The wedding vows on Saturday were beautiful because of their impossibility by human standards. There will be moments when the two don't feel like cherishing one another. But the vow must be strong so that they can return to it. There wouldn't be the same beauty in saying “I will try my best to love you when I can.” Because the vow is strong they can return to it when there is failure. And they know that they can't do it except through living in the strength of God and His amazing grace.

Some other truths about marriage really sunk in with me during the service. How marriage is a call and a ministry. Two people becoming one to serve Christ together and bring Him glory. Realizing what it is supposed to be should change the way I look at things. I tend to look at marriage so selfishly, patting myself on the back that I've even gotten to the point where I can say “yes I think I'd like to get married.” I was reminded once again that it isn't about me. And that changes so much. What we think of as the core of marriage, companionship, physcial intimacy, etc., is actually as the bride said to me, a bonus. God's loving bonus to His children. Marriage itself is to glorify Him.

~ ~ ~

I had been realizing lately that I would like to get married one day and these things simply help me see what that really means. I think that I should like to marry one day and to have children. I want my children to have big minds.

As I thought that yesterday I thought of how people so often call Christians narrow minded. I think that sometimes this is because it's true in some cases and sometimes it is because as Christians we are to have narrow focus. I do pray that my children will have narrow focus. That their focus will be on Christ and God alone. Narrow mind is not the same as narrow focus though.

I want my children to have big minds because we do not serve a small God. Not even a big imagination can comprehend how deep and wide is the Father's Love for us so a narrow mind would seriously limit one's relationship with an incomprehensible God. I believe that it is in art, poetry, music, theatre that we can express the indescribable.

“Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.You tear apart the baby’s rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived could tear apart. Only faith, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.

No Santa Claus! Thank God! he lives and lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.”

~ ~ ~

Yesterday little girl came to my office and played with my kaleidescope and told me she thinks maybe the world will explode and we'll all float in space so maybe I was too harsh on her. I think there's hope.

Happy Christmas and may it be filled with wonder and love and relationship with our great God and the people He has placed in our lives.

Grrrr.

How is it that I can have a list going during the day, the week, of things I need to look up on the net and then it all leaves my head once I'm on the thing? grrrrr.

All Access

Today I had the wonderful blessing of getting to see some of the people from my time with YWAM. I did not have to take the Behemoth because my lovely house mate Julie already was interested in going and so was easily won over with the offer of gas money and coffee. She, Krisztina and I set out early and it was snowing. It looked so lovely and the excitement of seeing old friends mixed with the magic of falling snow made for the start of a feel good morning.

When we got to the school we were looking for the auditorium and I saw a backstage with familiar tour boxes. An actor I didn't know in a costume that I did came out. I asked if she was with All Access and if she could tell me where Kelsey was. She found the entrance to the auditorium and instructed me that Kelsey was the red-head. "I know", I said and ran inside to hug John-O and Kelsey and hear "SHUT-UP!" from the stage because Kelsey hadn't told them I was coming and Heather made her typical exclamations. Hugs from Holly and David, hugs and more "Shut-Up!" from HP (one of the happiest people you will ever meet.), greeting in an Irish accent from Johnny "McFlynn" holding his and Kelsey's new baby Lola (the furry, four legged kind). Holly and David caught up with me a bit before the show started and it was lovely how not weird it was to see them all. We've always noted that at Ameri-Corps reunions, how we just fall back into step. I am so glad that was how this morning was too.

The show was good, Holly was an adorable "New Girl". The girls liked it and the kids had a really good response. This group does really good work and I'm so glad that I got to be a part of it. I'm excited that they still do it and that I got to see them today. Dan's message about making a choice every time we open our mouths to speak words of life or words of death to people never gets old and I've heard it a hundred times.

The show is with Youth With A Mission, Metro NY, All Access. They tour the play No More Victims to schools across the nation. It's a show about valuing each other, about not bullying, about being responsible for the words we speak to one another and how words effect us. All Access takes this production into public high schools and they're sharing the truth of the gospel with these kids. It's really incredible. You can find out more at www.allaccessny.org or www.ywam-ny.com

Please pray for them as they continue to tour these next couple of weeks.

Baby it's Cold Outside

Baby, it's cold outside. Really cold. And they're calling for snow. Part of me thinks that's lovely and the other part that wants to go see some of her YWAMily on Monday because they'll only be half hour away is not thrilled about it. If it's going to happen I suppose I should stick with the lovely part and try to get someone brave in the snow to take me so I don't have to drive the behemoth.

Speaking of, my first drive on my own took place a few weeks ago in the ministry's behemoth. Behemoth is a red 15 passenger van. Driving a 15-P has been destined for me I think. I didn't drive our 15-P in Americorps, nor at New Stage, but now, now I do.

So the driving of the behemoth is one of many new things happening in my life of late. I've been off of all sugars but whole fruit for three weeks now (inspired by my Momma Henry and Mary) and I feel fantastic. My thinking is much clearer and often I'm just so happy. This past week I was able to focus so much more at work and I felt like I got a lot done.

Work focus isn't just from the way I'm eating. Intern training has been really inspiring too and is helping me become more focused not just at the office (I work in an office?!?) but in my work as an actress as well. I feel like I'm growing in all areas of my life and it is so good. I've found a church I like and am part of a good small group there. It's so good to be encouraged to spend more time with God and delve into His word. My week feels different when I skip and I look forward to the next time.

Last night we had live Jazz and a reading of three O. Henry stories in the coffee shop where I write this entry. It went well and we had more people then chairs and had to bring some in from outside. It's a small shop for some perspective. And about half of our audience were CPAF staff. Still it was a good turn out and it was exciting to have it go well. This was my first effort as Community Relations Manager to begin some smaller performances. I think we'll do something like it again in a couple of months.

Time is flying and we can barely believe it's the weekend again. No complaints there though. Thanksgiving will be here before we know what happened and then it'll be almost time to come home for Christmas. Until then, it looks like we're going to have some snow here tonight. Enjoy your weekend all.

Rejoice in the Lord Always

"Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say, rejoice!"
- Phillipians 4:4

God is so good. Twice in one day this week the need to rejoice in Him always, in good and bad, when we feel like it and don't, was brought to my attention. At that time it was easy, but I recognize that the problems will come, and in fact, some have since then. I pray that I will always and ever have on my lips and in my heart that God is good.

He is good.
He is merciful Father, mighty to save, wonderful Maker, magnificent God, Holy, holy, holy, almighty Saviour, King of Kings, worthy to be praised. He hears His children. We may not feel like it because we often think that 'answered prayer' means prayer answered how we would want. His ways are not our ways. God is so good.

Love my Job

Every other Thursday morning we have intern training here at the CPAF offices. Today I was inspired as Patrick talked to us about goals and biblical goal setting. Annaka and I talked about what we learned over lunch and discussed what our long term goals look like, and what we feel God has put on our hearts.
It's been exciting the past few years to see God focus my goal more and more. Discovering through the book "Addicted to Mediocrity" that He designed me to be an actor and that it was not only okay to follow that passion, but that it was a calling, was a very exciting moment. That was when I was in AmeriCorps four years ago. Since then pursuing acting in ways that will bring God glory has been the focus. God has provided for me again and again and taken me from New York to home to Mississippi to Indiana.
I'm starting to settle in more to my year here at CPAF. We were in church on Sunday and the Sunday School leader asked what our passions were. Realizing that my own personal calls were almost exactly the mission statement of the organization where I work was an awesome realization. I'm gaining valuable on the job skills in arts administration (arts admin. not my goal, but lets face it, it's useful wherever you are in the arts), working with a truly wonderful group of people, connecting with a ministry that will support me in prayer and study resources when I'm in the field, and growing spiritually.
I'm excited to see what happens through this year and I'll try to keep better updated on this blog.